Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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