dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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