i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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