How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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