he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
