just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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