Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
