Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
