dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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