oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
