you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
