If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
