i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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