Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
