So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
