She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
