He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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