I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
