I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
