I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
