I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
