probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
