my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
