I met the friendliest cop last night
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
