Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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