You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
