My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
