you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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