MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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