I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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