i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
