So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
