You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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