i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
