Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
