I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
