Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We are all done wearing pants today
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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