no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
