meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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