Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
