I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
