k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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