I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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