I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
