Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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