I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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