id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
high people should be assigned attendants
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
