My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
