That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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