I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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