Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
