Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Are we still banned from the library?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
