I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
