I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
