my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My life is pants optional.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
