I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
