I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
