The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
