It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You pole danced in your parka.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
