Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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