did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
