I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
