I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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