return my video game
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
