tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
