It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're too hungover to prance.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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