Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
