soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
