My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
